He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
