So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
