I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
