I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
