I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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