I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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