Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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