saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
