I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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