I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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