Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
