I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
