Please, let me fuck your mom
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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