so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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