Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You may now shotgun with the bride
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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