woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
