hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
