I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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