if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
