White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
