god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
