peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize