No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
