you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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