"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
