I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
