as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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