My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize