There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize