why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
