I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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