I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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