I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
