So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
