So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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