At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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