im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
