dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
