We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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