You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
