I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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