When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
