I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
