I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
