the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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