you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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