My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
