im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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