I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
