There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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