Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
