My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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