The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
