if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
be right there i have to get my cape
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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