I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
