I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just threw up on my dentist
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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