my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
