Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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