38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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