About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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