i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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