I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
