Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
